It’s a terrifying thought that the annuls of time has erased some of the most profound parenting fails and successes from the parent’s memory. Oh, some are still there, either haunting and mocking or reminding and comforting. I say comforting because, like so many relationships, both participants are in a constant state of change-or should be-and therefore can have seasons of tension…..even distance.
Perspective is another element of time that can reward or punish. I know that my perspective on my own parent’s history and experiences has vastly changed my perspective. Like anyone, I first viewed my childhood through the lens of my experience, and even though I’ve aged, some of those initial feelings can still exist. For example, I was five or six when I found myself precariously sitting on a tree limb, terrified to come down. I had gotten myself up there, yes, but I had to call out to mother to come rescue me. I actually do not remember her response, whether annoyed or frightened or amused, but I DO recall feeling terrible fear-the kind that keeps you in stop motion, paralyzed. Another time, I recall my mother having to quickly pull over and yank me out of my backseat haven, sans seatbelt in those days, because I had choked on a Lifesaver. Wanna make a bet my panicked mother never gave me one again while we were driving together. Still, I don’t really have HER perspective, nor even the perspective of my OWN experiences because unlike a select few, I have glimpses of my life experiences, not pieces of every one of them. And even if I’ve heard a story from my childhood, I wouldn’t be able to trust my OWN perspective on that experience, because it will most likely be tainted by the viewpoint of a second or third party. Therefore, as I’ve aged, I’ve been able to view my own parents from the perspective of time, experience, understanding. Heck, I’ve even heard more details about my parent’s upbringing, as well as my own family history, that have highlighted some aspects for me. It actually helped me to better appreciate some nuances and details. Even some of my hardened ideas and feelings have changed and softened over time because of this shift in perspective.
I’m no psychologist, so I don’t have that training. I would prefer not to hear from couch psychologists, nor the meta narrative from that perspective. I’m going somewhere here.
When it comes to my own children, I have always had this duality that exists. I have the reality, the one we are both simultaneously participating in and the one in which I am also watching-but from my aged vantage point. I have my own perspective: my responses or thoughts of interpretations of what my kids are thinking of feeling-which can be learned because, as many parents know, they can have an idea on how their children might respond to various stimulus, under certain conditions. Then there is my child’s perspective, which is most likely limited in their experiences and knowledge, and largely guided by emotions (remember how the baby would cry to eat when it was hungry, but as they age they don’t cry any more….). Later, as they, too, age, they might likewise change their perspective as well.
So, laying the foundation, I’ve decided I might need to write something to each of my children and it may be in multiple posts, depending on their age I suppose. I had thought one post might suffice, but then realized that there may be questions, and then questions about those questions. And, since they most likely won’t see my posts until much later on, I wanted to get at least some of my thoughts toward them written down somewhere that can’t die in a dumpster fire somewhere. So, unless the cloud dissipates, I would hope that one day they could read one part of one perspective about their life, and perhaps grow in their own perspective in the process.