Month: January 2022

First Thoughts About Children

Does anyone ever think long and hard about children? Of course they do! I am especially familiar with this through my time at the reproductive endocrinology clinic. Some of the clients are so desperate for a child, and it’s heartbreaking the process that is undertaken for this privilege. More on that in another post.

Because I was married so young, I really didn’t think “long and hard” or maybe not even “hard.” I just thought as a child that I would have children. I imagined I’d have a dozen! Upon telling that to my father, he laughed. He sat down and asked, with a smirk he was holding back,”Don’t you think that a dozen children is a bit much?” Gee, I hadn’t thought about it like that. Frankly, I was a dozen steps removed from reality at that point. I hadn’t even had a dozen dollies at once!

Nonetheless I was undeterred. So, I went down by degrees. “Ten” I’d say, and he’s chuckle. “Okay, 8.” Boy, I really needed to learn to count by 1’s. Again, a chuckle. “Fine, 6.” He’d retort to that until I finally lamented with a firm, “I will have 4 children. Period.” He could only ask one question.

“Are you sure?”

Yes, I thought. Yes, I’m sure. Now, Upon marrying, I didn’t think children would happen right away, but I wasn’t doing anything to stop it. After a few months, I thought that there might be something wrong, but wasn’t confident enough to be adamant or even worried. I was simply concerned.

I made an appointment with the medical group’s reproductive specialist. When I met with him, he started me at square one. He, too, chuckled, and said that there probably wasn’t anything to worry about. However, I came to him so he gave me the standard protocol. Keep a record for three months, then come back. Man, what a drag!

What a reflection of my youth, right? I wanted an instant result, with a quick discovery of anything that could hinder getting pregnant. Some things in life can take a very lengthy stroll, methodically choosing to take the scenic route before arrival. This was true in my case. However, I guess I was given two reprieves. Perhaps it was during a turn out for a photo opportunity.

I didn’t even have time to really discuss becoming parents with my spouse, or thoughts on parenting, or even if it was a good time. Nothing was discussed. I guess this should have been a sign of things to come, or of character, or a flaw…but how do people who are barely adults even know to consider those things? (Hint: with proper guidance, that’s how…).

In some respects I know I’ve tried to share some life lessons with my children. However, now that I’m experiencing the rebuff of youth, I realize that there is a high likelihood that if anyone was trying to counsel me against having children right away at such a young age, I didn’t even acknowledge it; and if they weren’t, I probably wouldn’t have accepted the advice.

In fact, one hallmark of my youth was that I knew better for me than anyone else did, even if that meant I was wrong. Because as I already mentioned in my last post, others can know us from a perspective of wisdom and experience in ways that we don’t yet know ourselves. And so, this was the beginning of my journey toward motherhood.

Reflection on Parenting

I did note in an earlier post that I wanted to begin sharing my journey as a parent. The challenge is to consider what I was thinking along the journey, as well as how I view the experience today, these many years on. Remember, I am “midlife” so much of my parenting is now on adult children. It’s a little opaque, too, because I don’t want to reveal too much about each individual. Whether children like it or not: They will always be referred to as their parent’s “children,” and parents often know a child-even as an adult-in ways that may surprise them! Having said that, and in reflection of one of my own parents, I can also confess that there are things I may perceive, and my perception about my own children may be wrong. And that’s okay. Truly.

One thing that children may not consider is that there will be two (or more) perspectives on their lives! TRUE, they must be responsible for their own life. This responsibility is also a gray area, as many things influence how one person may experience life. So, for example, even if a person is thin as an adult, if they often were called cutsie names by their family, even in jest, such as: tubby, bouncy ball, squishy, marshmallow, overweight, fat, and so forth, they may subconsciously be functioning out of a response to those names. Maybe they knew they were in jest; maybe they laughed. Maybe they did the same to others. And maybe the reality is that it caused them to look at themselves through a lens of being on the edge of overweight, even if that’s wrong. Substitute literally any characteristic or character trait for “fat” and generally the idea is the same; even if it’s not true, it leaves a mark.

I’m not a psychologist.

How does this translate to living an adult life? Well, in the previous example the person may forever be exercising, trying fad diets, wanting to lose ” a few extra pounds,” and even as parents, may purpose to ensure that the child is “healthy.” Suddenly this puts a tremendous amount of pressure on that child. The person may not even realize they are doing it, they just….do. And isn’t that part of life?

My grandparents lived through the Great Depression. I mean they LIVED it. So, even as adults they had boxes of loose coins tied up in their garage; they had shelves of canned foods at the ready; they had extra blankets, towels, and even an extra toilet. They kept tons of fabric on hand long after grandma stopped sewing some clothes (she sewed homemade clothes, even a bathing suit, for me, too!). Then, as parents, they conveyed this idea that eating all on the plate was good-maybe even because it reflected they had money for food. They spent time talking about being resourceful, reusing things, and so on. How many remember grandma having tons of used tubs of cool whip in their stores to use as food storage?

It’s that type of thing I’m talking about.

As a child, I was not immune from my grandparent’s ideology. And I can’t say that it bothered me that much. Still, it was because of that experience, and the idea that history repeats itself, that I was infused with some of that belief system. I can’t say with certainty that my parents really held each value set themselves, or that I did. However, it is BECAUSE of that exposure that I feel confident (and have been trained in) some skills that can benefit me should I face some tough times. Canning is one of them.

So, I was influenced by both my grandparents and my parents. Those people can also reflect on my life and see my development through their own lens. I may not always agree or like it, but it’s a thing nonetheless.

As I use this platform as a cathartic opportunity to share parenting, I want my children to understand that not everything I say will sound “correct” or “accurate” to them. However, from my vantage point, it will be. So, I’m sharing my experience as a parent and that will naturally involve each of them in turn (and collectively). I apologize ahead of time if my memory is fading some, or if I share something that is through the lens of today, when it didn’t happen that way yesterday. Consider that I put my shirt on inside out today and it took over 2 hours to notice, and perhaps some grace will be shown.

Either way, I do, in fact, love my children. If only they could see the depths of that love.

Keto Journey continues…first 30 days

I know, long title.

So, we decided to try Keto together, to get some weight off, and to start the year off right. At least the second part is what I tell myself. It sounds some sort of romantic. We both could stand to lose to pounds, but also don’t want to commit to what amounts to a monotonous routine for a diet. Don’t get me wrong, if you are only doing the diet, then you can be creative, and/or try different things. When you’re making food for other people, they may not always want to eat what you are eating. Therein lies the rub.

So, let’s get to it.

We are on day 19. So 2 1/2 weeks thus far. Initially we didn’t have the “water weight” loss that we have had before. As a consequence, we were nervous that maybe because we are older this avenue wouldn’t work this time. Turns out, it is working, just differently. In the past, when we would try the diet, the first X amount of time would be rapid weight loss, then a few days of stall, then more loss, and then less and less drastic iterations as the weight came off. This time we had an initial stall. By the end of week one we almost felt like giving up. The weight loss was negligible-like .5 lbs negligible. However, we stuck it out and lo and behold we have lost weight.

The way it is coming off this round is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It’ll be a slow trickle, then a small dump-like 1-2 lbs overnight, then back up 1 lb, then back down. Like that. Oddly, we are both down about 7.5 lbs so far. Still, if we make it to the end of January, we have enough time to potentially lose 10 lbs. That’s not too bad in a month, but it’s like the normal “1-2 lbs a week is healthy” way. Keto used to work much quicker, but would take the “long haul” approach if a lot needed to be lost.

I don’t want to project ANYTHING at this point. I can’t speak for my S.O., but for me, I could top off this month anywhere from 8-15 lbs. I have no clue.

And it’s not like we’re cheating. No alcohol. No sugar. No bread-well, except Keto bread and that’s on occasion (me, not as much).

We eat twice a day with a snack in the middle or end if we want. We do high fat zero carb at breakfast. Almost exclusively we’ll do a breakfast meat and eggs, sometimes with cheese. We will even cook in bacon fat. YUM….We then will have a dinner, and often something the rest of the fam can eat. It’s a meat and either an acceptable beg, cauliflower rice, or both, or neither. Just depends.

If you’re considering Keto, there are numerous websites now, and even cook books and recipes, online. However, try not to get too caught up in all the things at first. If you can do just ONE thing to begin, I would consider limiting Carbs to 10/day, but using the counting method. You can also get “Net” carbs, which is more specific than simply “Total Carbs” of an item. For example, if you have a food with 10 grams of carbs, but 3 grams of fiber, then you have 7 NET grams of carbs. Count the net, not the gross :).

Additionally, part of my ongoing work on self involves including exercise. I might write an entire post about this later as I feel that explaining my focus and goals is worthy of exploring. If nothing else, try to do “something.” There is an entire science behind endorphins and feeling better about self when incorporating exercise. Good thing about this diet, though, is that it’s more challenging to “reward” yourself with food…which is dumb, anyway, and we should all just admit it. But since we can’t, it’s harder to say, “Since I burned X calories, I can have Y food” when the acceptable foods are specific…..like I could have a fat bomb coffee after, which includes BUTTER (ew, gross), but I couldn’t have a piece of pie.

Hopefully you feel accomplished when attempting to lose a few L B’s. I know I do (on the mornings when the scale moves south, not north). So, definitely keep the momentum going. And if you’re dieting at the moment, why not share what you’re up to in the comments below.

Perspective Helps

It’s a terrifying thought that the annuls of time has erased some of the most profound parenting fails and successes from the parent’s memory. Oh, some are still there, either haunting and mocking or reminding and comforting. I say comforting because, like so many relationships, both participants are in a constant state of change-or should be-and therefore can have seasons of tension…..even distance.

Perspective is another element of time that can reward or punish. I know that my perspective on my own parent’s history and experiences has vastly changed my perspective. Like anyone, I first viewed my childhood through the lens of my experience, and even though I’ve aged, some of those initial feelings can still exist. For example, I was five or six when I found myself precariously sitting on a tree limb, terrified to come down. I had gotten myself up there, yes, but I had to call out to mother to come rescue me. I actually do not remember her response, whether annoyed or frightened or amused, but I DO recall feeling terrible fear-the kind that keeps you in stop motion, paralyzed. Another time, I recall my mother having to quickly pull over and yank me out of my backseat haven, sans seatbelt in those days, because I had choked on a Lifesaver. Wanna make a bet my panicked mother never gave me one again while we were driving together. Still, I don’t really have HER perspective, nor even the perspective of my OWN experiences because unlike a select few, I have glimpses of my life experiences, not pieces of every one of them. And even if I’ve heard a story from my childhood, I wouldn’t be able to trust my OWN perspective on that experience, because it will most likely be tainted by the viewpoint of a second or third party. Therefore, as I’ve aged, I’ve been able to view my own parents from the perspective of time, experience, understanding. Heck, I’ve even heard more details about my parent’s upbringing, as well as my own family history, that have highlighted some aspects for me. It actually helped me to better appreciate some nuances and details. Even some of my hardened ideas and feelings have changed and softened over time because of this shift in perspective.

I’m no psychologist, so I don’t have that training. I would prefer not to hear from couch psychologists, nor the meta narrative from that perspective. I’m going somewhere here.

When it comes to my own children, I have always had this duality that exists. I have the reality, the one we are both simultaneously participating in and the one in which I am also watching-but from my aged vantage point. I have my own perspective: my responses or thoughts of interpretations of what my kids are thinking of feeling-which can be learned because, as many parents know, they can have an idea on how their children might respond to various stimulus, under certain conditions. Then there is my child’s perspective, which is most likely limited in their experiences and knowledge, and largely guided by emotions (remember how the baby would cry to eat when it was hungry, but as they age they don’t cry any more….). Later, as they, too, age, they might likewise change their perspective as well.

So, laying the foundation, I’ve decided I might need to write something to each of my children and it may be in multiple posts, depending on their age I suppose. I had thought one post might suffice, but then realized that there may be questions, and then questions about those questions. And, since they most likely won’t see my posts until much later on, I wanted to get at least some of my thoughts toward them written down somewhere that can’t die in a dumpster fire somewhere. So, unless the cloud dissipates, I would hope that one day they could read one part of one perspective about their life, and perhaps grow in their own perspective in the process.

And so another attempt….dye a T

Well, superfluous or not, “diet” seems synonymous with “new year” does it not? Alas, I’m at it again. My resolve is a little more focused this time around. No, I don’t wait until January 1 to begin a diet. I may change something here, tweak something there…I may fast a day or more….I may think about what I’m eating and be more intentional. However, for now, I must admit that doing a prescribed diet is what I’m working on. With a partner. Just for 30 days of January.

Who begins a diet on January 1? There is still New Year’s goodies sitting out, or leftover fatness from Christmas. I decided, along with my partner, that waiting that one day would give us just 30 days. Then, if we so chose, we could be off the next month, just 28 days, then back on for March-31 days there, so either migrate it to be an extra February day or bite the bullet and do a full 31 days :).

Dieting is usually partnered with exercise. For me, and me only, dieting is, by itself, the means by which I can lose weight. If you spend any amount of time researching, looking for anecdotes or science, you might discover that people who have particular conditions (or perhaps not), may end up in a cycle that’s super depressing. Working overtime planning meals and watching macros, then adding in hours of intense exercise a week, only to see a lackluster or abysmal loss across months.

Don’t get me wrong, exercise in itself is a wonderful addition to a healthy “lifestyle.” In fact, I sort of enjoy it as a stand alone; but, adding in that it could be a means to an end, and suddenly I’m not as interested in the effort. So, because of my interaction with a virus, I had to wait quite a while last year to feel well enough to exercise. I took the scenic route. Although I recall having a great time jogging or running, tracking my miles, and being completing impressed with my own efforts, I also knew that it was out of the question to go so intense. Instead, I found a walking partner-not the same partner I’m working with now-and we met just a few times a week to walk. As a result, I was able to improve my efforts across the last three months of the year. I felt accomplished.

Now we are facing the daunting task of weight loss. My partner is male, and he seems able to drop excess weight at a steady clip with effort-even mediocre effort. However, he introduced me to this diet, so when he commits, he’s in! I, on the other hand, have something called PCOS, and that does mean I have internal hinderances. Even though I’m nearing a monumental birth year, I still have not figured out how to balance macros to maintain a more slender physique. It’s fine, it’s fine……

We began this last Sunday, and it’s now Thursday. The weight is coming off already. I keep telling myself that I can do this for 30 days. Yes, it’s a mental exercise, but one I must endure. I know my body will appreciate less girth to manage. I also know that should I not lose as I’d like, I must be appreciative of my own efforts. Truly, give yourself credit for effort when it’s warranted. If you TRY something and it doesn’t work out as planned, is it wasted effort? I mean, I guess it could be. On the other hand, if my goal was 10 lbs this month and I lost a solid 7.5, is that bad? Well, of course not! The measuring stick might be the problem :).

I am weighing daily; it’s the cardinal sin of weight loss. I also took measurements and to be honest, those were what woke me up. I do wish I could workout hard and intense like one of those weight loss shows, hours upon hours of teasing, restricted diets causing diet delirium, and hard-as-nails exercise for 8 hours a day. Perhaps that would make my body submit. At the end of this month, the collateral impact should be a few inches and some pounds. That will definitely mark success!