I did note in an earlier post that I wanted to begin sharing my journey as a parent. The challenge is to consider what I was thinking along the journey, as well as how I view the experience today, these many years on. Remember, I am “midlife” so much of my parenting is now on adult children. It’s a little opaque, too, because I don’t want to reveal too much about each individual. Whether children like it or not: They will always be referred to as their parent’s “children,” and parents often know a child-even as an adult-in ways that may surprise them! Having said that, and in reflection of one of my own parents, I can also confess that there are things I may perceive, and my perception about my own children may be wrong. And that’s okay. Truly.
One thing that children may not consider is that there will be two (or more) perspectives on their lives! TRUE, they must be responsible for their own life. This responsibility is also a gray area, as many things influence how one person may experience life. So, for example, even if a person is thin as an adult, if they often were called cutsie names by their family, even in jest, such as: tubby, bouncy ball, squishy, marshmallow, overweight, fat, and so forth, they may subconsciously be functioning out of a response to those names. Maybe they knew they were in jest; maybe they laughed. Maybe they did the same to others. And maybe the reality is that it caused them to look at themselves through a lens of being on the edge of overweight, even if that’s wrong. Substitute literally any characteristic or character trait for “fat” and generally the idea is the same; even if it’s not true, it leaves a mark.
I’m not a psychologist.
How does this translate to living an adult life? Well, in the previous example the person may forever be exercising, trying fad diets, wanting to lose ” a few extra pounds,” and even as parents, may purpose to ensure that the child is “healthy.” Suddenly this puts a tremendous amount of pressure on that child. The person may not even realize they are doing it, they just….do. And isn’t that part of life?
My grandparents lived through the Great Depression. I mean they LIVED it. So, even as adults they had boxes of loose coins tied up in their garage; they had shelves of canned foods at the ready; they had extra blankets, towels, and even an extra toilet. They kept tons of fabric on hand long after grandma stopped sewing some clothes (she sewed homemade clothes, even a bathing suit, for me, too!). Then, as parents, they conveyed this idea that eating all on the plate was good-maybe even because it reflected they had money for food. They spent time talking about being resourceful, reusing things, and so on. How many remember grandma having tons of used tubs of cool whip in their stores to use as food storage?
It’s that type of thing I’m talking about.
As a child, I was not immune from my grandparent’s ideology. And I can’t say that it bothered me that much. Still, it was because of that experience, and the idea that history repeats itself, that I was infused with some of that belief system. I can’t say with certainty that my parents really held each value set themselves, or that I did. However, it is BECAUSE of that exposure that I feel confident (and have been trained in) some skills that can benefit me should I face some tough times. Canning is one of them.
So, I was influenced by both my grandparents and my parents. Those people can also reflect on my life and see my development through their own lens. I may not always agree or like it, but it’s a thing nonetheless.
As I use this platform as a cathartic opportunity to share parenting, I want my children to understand that not everything I say will sound “correct” or “accurate” to them. However, from my vantage point, it will be. So, I’m sharing my experience as a parent and that will naturally involve each of them in turn (and collectively). I apologize ahead of time if my memory is fading some, or if I share something that is through the lens of today, when it didn’t happen that way yesterday. Consider that I put my shirt on inside out today and it took over 2 hours to notice, and perhaps some grace will be shown.
Either way, I do, in fact, love my children. If only they could see the depths of that love.