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Trusting in the process

I am a planner by nature. I will sit down about once a month to plan out all sorts of things. I’ve struggled from time to time with needing to be in the know about what’s going on in life. So, when something is impossible to “plan,” I can get nervous or anxious, mostly because I can’t predict an outcome, at all.

What has been even more challenging for me is to be patient. Now, in certain finite things I guess I can say I’m patient because I know that there is an end in sight, eventually. For example, barring any unforeseen circumstances, my kids will graduation high school. This also means they will make it to adulthood and therefore become adults. I’ve already lived this idea once so far, so it’s not that I have to have stress or anxiety about it, nothing can stop time, after all. Kids aren’t kids forever. A car does get paid off, eventually. A leaky faucet can be fixed. A broken bone does heal. A cruddy winter does transition to spring.

A marriage is ongoing and will continue as such indefinitely. It doesn’t just pause, take a hiatus, move on to other ventures for a while until it suits. That’s tough. Still, it involves two people.

What do I do with my time with the Lord? How do I organize my time around life, responsibilities, and all these things I can manage when I don’t always have answers for this one thing? It’s been so hard to figure out, but I have decided that it’s much easier to simply do nothing. Now, that sounds wrong. What I have noted, though, is that if I try and work myself up into a powerful emotional state, I just get stressed out-like I have to reach that pinnacle every time I am “with” the Lord, or it’s not good, not worthy. Now, I do what I can, when I can. And, yes, I do MAKE time for Him daily: praying or reading, or studying, or worshipping…but not all three, for a specific time period, or else. I have to trust that the time I put in does pay dividends, and not anything substantive that I can “cash out” or show anyone. It’s just between me and Him. And, if I’m honest, the fruit of that time is evident with others in my life so that over time my closeness to Him draws others to that place, or at least considering that place, too :).

Trusting the process of faith, the process of relationship…of time, of commitment, of honor, of value, of hope, of trust, of need, of surrender is just so intimate, private, necessary. It’s often all I have and that’s all I can do.

What is the messiest dinner?

I hadn’t thought much about this topic until tonight.

While preparing to make tonight’s cuisine, consisting of exquisite Angus beef chuck patties, I realized that I was missing some key ingredients. Not one to be completely discouraged, and mostly due to my hidden laziness, I determined to call tonight’s dinner “deconstructed hamburgers.” What I was really missing were all the condiments: lettuce, tomato, and anything else that may be considered a required accoutrement to the aforementioned dining experience.

I was somewhat excited because I didn’t have to slice and dice. Simply cook and eat. In fact, to accompany our buns and slabs I had purchased a bag of russet’s finest doused in BBQ flavoring. I was satisfied that dinner would be quick and satisfying. To ensure I met my maternal need to feel I’m at least touching the line of healthfulness, there was a side of pineapple-always packed in water, not thick gooey juice.

Onward to the cooking apparatus. I began with a medium-high heat to get the pain nice and prepared. I used the wide pain with ridges to add the grill marks we enjoy so much. The sizzle took shape, and I added some seasonings for the extra touch. I felt I could almost rise to Bob status from the famous or not-so cartoon variety…until the first few sputters and spews of the pan erupted. Certainly there would be a few splatters to clean, I thought to myself, and soldiered on. I was only cooking six after all.

Nay, nay. The sheer volume of liquid gold that accumulated on my stovetop, counter, knobs, handles, and floor was incredible. Thankful that I thought ahead-and you’ll also thank me for this cooking tip-I had placed foil around the stovetop so that, except for immediately beyond the reach of the foil, the stove under the tender tent was relatively clean. I say relatively because undoubtedly the grease likes to bounce, as some spits were found UNDER the foil (the audacity!).

It was hard work enjoying dinner. I wanted to ensure each morsel was satisfactory, for I knew that I was going to be the Lone Ranger cleaning up the fast food kitchen nightmare that awaited me. I am almost ashamed to admit that I must’ve used 16 paper towels cleaning the grime from my floor and surfaces. They were strong towels, but deserved the graveyard, and I just couldn’t face cleaning another thing after cleaning….

The outdoor grill sits a mere 10 paces away from my kitchen. If it weren’t 35 degrees outside I might’ve just grilled out there and closed the lid on a gloriously shiny mess.

Chronic Pain is a Beast

I wake up to the startling sound of my alarm at 6:05 a.m. I know I need to get up and get ready. My husband is out of town and I’m a one woman show for the week, managing kids, work, life. I am immediately aware of the pain I have coursing through my body. I’m annoyed that it’s the first thing I notice; it almost always puts me in poor spirits.

I miss the days of waking up feeling rested. Well, I can’t say that is exactly how it happened. There are many memories of feeling like I had been in battle-dreams can do that to me. But, at least I know my body was doing the recuperating necessary for another day’s tasks. Still, these days I wake up feeling like a truck ran over me repeatedly: exhausted, pained, annoyed. Not a good elixir for the day.

Today my hands ache. Why, I wonder. I didn’t do too much typing the day before. I didn’t even wash that many dishes, comb hair too much. I actually worked at trying to avoid work! They almost burn, but don’t. Instead they taunt me with the reminder that my body is abusing me from the inside. What else hurts? My knees are a constant. The crackling sounds they make as I go up or down stairs has intensified and I try to ignore it. That sound scares me. What could it mean? Less cartilage? More pebbles in my knees? What? My lower back and lower abdomen hurt. I’m not sure if that is due to hormones and a lady visitor or just pain. My hips hurt some. And, then this annoying pain on the outside of my thighs began, again…I’m not even sure what it is. On the pain scale it’s so low that I can ignore it. Darn hands are screaming.

I don’t even notice the plantar fasciitis any longer. It’s almost a welcome relief to the other pains I have. The only time my feet concern me these days is when my toe joints and other bones on the top of my feet ache.

The shoulder pain is the worst, though. When I went to the orthopedist, he said it was bursitis in my rotator cuff. I’m not happy with that. A few months before I had gone to the walk in clinic and was prescribed what I believe to be an anti-inflammatory often prescribed for arthritis. Meloxicam. I must admit, that stuff worked so well! I ran out. The doctor told me to visit the orthopedist if I continued to feel pain in a few weeks, and I did. Unfortunately, the orthopedist didn’t prescribe pain meds. Instead, he sent me home with some exercises, a flexiband, and instructions to use an ice pack and not heat.

As I type this I’m using a lovely heat pad my mother in law made. It’s got some weight to it; it’s made of rice. I nuke it and the warmth feels more healing. The ice only numbs the area for about 5 minutes. I’ll try anything, though. I don’t like constant pain.

The shoulder pain is what wakes me up throughout the night. It is the one body part that is on duty of late. They all take turns. When I have intense pain, often referred to as a flare up, the pained area takes precedence over all others. I guess I’m grateful that I don’t have many areas aflame at once. Perhaps I’d be a bonfire. I miss the beach.

I have to decide early in the day which pain med to try. I’m told to use Alleve by two of my doctors: the orthopedist and the rheumatologist. I have also read there can be adverse effects to my internal organs. I’m 46. How long will I live using one detrimental OTC drug each day? I opt to rotate these minimalistic panacea, hoping one will be the champion for the day. Some days I skip meds to show my internal resolve to not be dependent on them. Some days it’s not a problem. I can tell today won’t be one of them. I persevere in my cause and avoid any for now.

I get myself ready. I make it a point to make my bed each day. Some people on support forums note how daily tasks are almost unbearable. I pretend that won’t be me and push forward. I move on to helping one, then another of my children: making their bed, too, and helping with hair and other morning tasks. I hope to get in a cup of coffee before having to jettison a few of the kids to school. Thankfully pouring cereal is not an issue. My hands still ache. I ignore the pain.

It’s been 6 months or so since I had a diagnosis for some of what ails. I lived with daily pain before and thought it could be blamed of everything from weight to age to genetics. It could be none or all, I’m not sure. Osteoarthritis. Fibromyalgia. Crap. Not the direction I saw myself going midlife.

At the time the sympathetic 30-something rheumatologist told me to take a name brand prescribed drug for “pain.” He said he had taken it and it worked nicely. He’d start me off with the lowest dose, and then increase if needed. The drug is for depression. It’s a neuroinhibitor. It should block pain sensors. I was in so much pain I agreed. It took affect rather quickly and I noted that even my aunt’s visit wasn’t that painful; in fact, it was almost negligible.

Being a pugilist and a non-conformist, I took the elixir for enough time to feel I didn’t need it any longer and quit. I quit a drug. Actually, to be fair, I quit two, but that’s another issue and another story. This decision was based on the fact that at my follow up visit, the rheumy said I should increase my dose, “to cover all pain from this condition.” Um, no thanks. My decision was a bit harried, but I was committed.

The drug is the type that online alarmists noted they opened and counted beads inside the capsule. I don’t like math. I decided instead to waylay my dosing so that, over time, I was taking one every 24, then 30, then 36 hours and so on. I just stopped on day 4. I don’t have time to wait out a 30 day prolonged and agonizing detox. I didn’t get a headache or anything.

My pain did begin to increase. A little at first. I blamed the barometric pressure, the cycles of the moon, the color of the walls. I’m not sure where the pain originates, but I don’t like putting a bandaid on applesauce. It doesn’t make the mush disappear.

So, here I am with a bottle of said drug in my medicine cabinet. I reach around it for OTC drugs instead. I must be a glutton for punishment.

I also use a topical NSAID, spray magnesium, and even Aspercreme. I use the roll on-less mess.

To add insult to injury, the orthopedist- a doctor that other osteoarthritis suffers from support boards see on a regular basis-said that my X-rays do not show that [my shoulder pain] is caused by arthritis. The clarion call of alarm bells begin to ring in my head. Er, arthritis is a soft tissue condition, whose early stages are not detectible on X-ray. Still, pointing to my X-ray, he says that if it was arthritis, the distance between point A and point B would be eroded. How he would see early stages is still like a parrot in my head, but I nod and say, “thanks.” His exercises are painful. They are not working. And, unlike his compadres in other parts of the world, he doesn’t prescribe ANY pain medication. I’m a sailor without a life vest. Lovely.

Now I have two competing diagnosis, though they are for different parts of my body, and an umbrella diagnosis. I don’t like this companion “fibromyalgia.” Sure, it is supposed to help cover body-wide pain issue. And, I am sympathetic to that need. But *I* want answers. I want to know causes. I NEED help because *I* want to solve this complaint, and jail the transgressor for good. I wish I had a medical degree-access to medical research. OH wait…the World Wide Web is available.

It’s another day with chronic pain. I doubt I mask it well, but I refuse to expect my family to do all the things so I can wallow in misery. I do most of what I want to do, and garner support from my husband and kids as I can. We’re an army; I can’t expect to sit by and not help facilitate the compendium of scheduled chaos. As it were, the busyness of the day takes my mind off of most of the pain, engaging my brain in activities such as blogging.

I ruminate on the many anecdotal stories of others who go to support boards to complain about the constancy of affliction. The inability to move, bend, bear weight, walk, run, use scissors, cook, brush their hair and teeth, put on socks, find relief, find support, find hope….scares me a little. I wax poetic but have nothing to offer. But, I decide, if I find the magic formula, I will give it away for free. My silent tears in isolation are not a consolation prize of dignity in public. They are the cry of a warrior in the middle of a fierce battle.

When the lights are turned out, though, the pain screams at me. I wrestle with the beast, deciding on a medicant-since it’s really not a med-i-can-and work to get to sleep.

HcG is a beast!

So, I’m not going to spill the beans just yet, since I’m also vlogging this journey, but suffice it to say that I’m into VLCD Day 0 on the “HCG” Diet. Now, this diet is broken down into 4 phases. Phase 1 is “loading” and lasts 2-3 days; Phase 2 is a VLCD protocol and lasts 21-40 days; Phase 3 is transitioning back into more foods; Phase 4 is life time maintenance. Many people who do this diet do so in “rounds” where they go through P1-3 repetitively until they reach a size they are comfortable. The thing is: it should transition to a focus on muscle mass weight over just looking at the number on the scale. This is a good approach for obvious reasons.

So, begin as this is my third day on the diet, but the first day of VLCD (very low calorie diet), I can see that it is going be more challenging than I anticipated ;). Right now, I’m already over 500 calories for VLCD which is disappointing. Well, I am going to have to own it. I still have dinner to have. I also can have tea and will need to go with that for the evening. It’s only 3 p.m.

The good news is I think the drops are having their way with my body. I’m already dumping water weight and anything else my body hopes to dump. Ha ha. I’m hopeful that I can keep moving forward as I gain some momentum.

If you’re starting this diet as well, or considering it, then go to Youtube and search for those who are vlogging about their journey. That is what I did. It was encouraging to see their journey, too. You can do it! << My mantra!